The U.S. invasion of Canada, as we now know, was even more of a
blitzkrieg than the invasion of Iraq. The NAEF (North American
Expeditionary Force) hit the Lake Ontario beachhead on June 6. The amused
Canadians surrendered the next day, with no casualties on either side.
The President's approval rating zoomed to 123 percent, according
to his official vote counter and pollster, Katherine Harris. And now he and
Defense Secretary Rumsfeld are having a press conference to tell us about
the victory.
"I know a few Americans opposed the invasion," the President says,
"but we had no choice. Canada was a part of the Axis of Disobedience."
When a reporter asks what that means, the President sighs.
"How many times do I have to say it?" he says. "We must all hear
the universal call to like your neighbor just like you like to be liked
yourself, but Canada wasn't with us in Iraq. Therefore they were against
us. We had no choice but to invade. They simply misunderestimated our
resolve."
"But," the Times reporter says, "why now? Why Canada? There were
many other countries who weren't with us in Iraq."
The President turns to Secretary Rumsfeld who smiles a gritty
little smile and begins making circles and squares in the air with his
hands.
"Why now?" he says. "In May, it's still cold in Canada. By July,
the mosquitoes are the size of B-52s. June was our only window of
opportunity."
"But Canada?" the reporter says. "Why Canada?"
"Look at a map," Rumsfeld says, his hands drawing a map in the
air. "Canada's close. The troop transport bills alone make a convincing
case."
Reporters look at one another.
"And there are other reasons," Rumsfeld says, his eyes narrowing.
"We believe Canada is hiding Saddam's weapons of mass destruction. We
further believe that Osama bin Laden is in Medicine Hat and that Saddam
himself may be hiding in a dugout in a suburb of Moose Jaw."
"What evidence do we have for all that?" a Newsweek reporter asks.
"What's the evidence against it?" the President says. "Tell me
that."
Reporters roll their eyes.
"And," Rumsfeld says, "here's the kicker: our intelligence tells
us that a disgustingly large number of Canadians speak French."
"French," the President says, choking up. "They…they speak
French."
Reporters scribble in their notebooks.
"How long," the Fox News man asks, "has this been going on?"
"We don't know when it started," Rumsfeld says, "but we sure as
hell know when it ended."
"And Canada is a lot better off now," the President says, "without
Jean Cretin as President or Chairman or Team Captain or whatever they
called him."
"Could you comment," an L.A. Times reporter says, "on reports that
some Canadians are taking refuge in Alaska?"
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The Truth, Mainly
"We're warning Alaska," the President says, squinching his eyes
up, "that they can't mess with America. There will be consequences."
"Will the consequences be less severe," the reporter asks, "since
Alaska is a part of the U.S.?"
"A part of the U.S.?" the President says, looking at Rumsfeld.
"That's classified information," Rumsfeld says as the President
squinches his eyes even more. "But the consequences won't be pretty."
"Anything to do with drilling for oil?" the Houston Chronicle man
asks.
Rumsfeld doesn't answer, but he gives the reporter a wink.
"Is there anything to the rumor," a New Yorker writer asks, "that
Halliburton and Bechtel will get still more reconstruction contracts in
Canada?"
"Take that man out and shoot him," Rumsfeld says, smiling.
"Can you say more about the Coalition of the Willing who were our
allies in Canada?" the K. C. Star reporter asks.
"That's classified," Rumsfeld says. "Ask that again and you're
gone."
"I know that two islands in the Pacific are part of the
coalition," the President says. "Or maybe it's the Atlantic."
Rumsfeld gives the President a look. But he keeps talking.
"We're sending Canada a message," he says. "No nucular weapons,
no nucular power, no nucular physics."
Reporters look at him.
"You know what's funny?" he asks. "We invaded Canada one other
time. Back in about 1760—or maybe 1670. Long time ago. It was time to
do it again."
Reporters look at each other.
"You know what's weird?" the President says. "There's a town in
Texas named Canadian. I was governor there, and now I invade Canadians.
Far out."
Reporters look at Rumsfeld.
He's making circles and squares and triangles and double helixes
with his hands. He runs his forefinger across his throat.
The lights go out and this press conference is over.
Retired English Professor Leon Satterfield writes to salvage clarity
from his confusion. His column appears on alternate Mondays. His e-mail
address is:
leonsatterfield@earthlink.net.
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