The Truth, Mainly - 04/01/2002

Bad news, brethren and sistren. Just when we thought we had them whupped good, the forces of evil are once again at work in Nebraska.

It reminds me of what our sainted Cotton Mather wrote at the Salem Witch Trials back in 1692: "The devil is now making one attempt more upon us. . . an attempt so critical, that if we get well through, we shall soon enjoy halcyon days with all the vultures of hell trodden under our feet."

I know, I know. We thought we'd defeated the vultures of hell when we passed Amendment 416 banning same-sex marriage. And we thought we'd surely buried the idea that homosexuals are as good as anyone else when our governor vetoed LB215 last summer because it would keep realtors from discriminating on grounds of sexual orientation.

But vultures of hell are stubborn and now they are proposing yet another attack on our virtue, LB19, the priority bill of—who else?—Sen. Ernie Chambers.

You know what LB19 would do? Take a deep breath and grit your teeth because I'm about to tell you. LB19 would outlaw workplace discrimination against homosexuals!

Yes, it would. It would outlaw workplace discrimination against homosexuals! Make your blood boil? Well, I should say.

What is this state coming to when it has to keep biting and scratching and kicking against the idea that abominations have to be treated like everyone else?

The Bible couldn't be more clear. It's right there in Leviticus, just before we're told that we mustn't wear clothes mingled of linen and woolen. It says: "Thou shalt not lie with mankind as with womankind: it is abomination."

But of course we can't mention that in arguing against LB19 because we'd be told that Americans don't base laws on religion. Separation of church and state, they call it. Sure—tell that to Cotton Mather!

Well, I say it's time to stand up and say to heck with separation of church and state. I say it's time we show the same testicular fortitude that the lady mayor of Inglis, Florida, showed.

Her heroism made the NY Times.

Her name is Carolyn Risher and here's what she did. She banished Satan from Inglis. By mayoral proclamation. Because God told her to.

She got the idea last Halloween when she saw little children dressed as witches and goblins. Her minister asked her to help cleanse the town of evil by putting hollowed-out posts at the city limits so he could put prayers in them.

And with the prayers, she put in copies of her mayoral proclamation. God guided her hand in writing it. She said so. And here's what it says:

"Be it known from this day forward that Satan, ruler of darkness, giver of evil, destroyer of what is good and just, is not now, nor ever again will be, a part of this town of Inglis. Satan is hereby declared powerless, no longer ruling over, nor influencing, our citizens. In the past Satan has caused division, animosity, hate, confusion, ungodly acts on our youth, and discord among our friends and loved ones. No longer! We exercise our authority over the devil in Jesus' name. By that authority, and through His Blessed Name, we command all Satanic and demonic forces to cease their activities and depart the town of Inglis."

Cotton Mather couldn't have said it better.

The proclamation was stamped with the official seal of the city. Thus is separation of church and state refuted.

Sure, not everyone in town is happy about it. But what do you expect?

•A local police officer—a police officer!—said "There hasn't been what I would call a mathematical drop in crimes."

•Somebody stole the posts the proclamation copies were inside of.

•The mayor gets lots of evil phone calls. "Carolyn?" one wicked caller said. "This is Satan. I know you want me, baby."

•And you know what one snooty Inglis businessman said? He said, "Count me among the embarrassed."

But the mayor perseveres. She's put her proclamations in new hollowed-out posts that are sunk in reinforced concrete.

"He ain't going to take them this time," she said, "without some real work."

So with Mayor Risher's example in mind, here's what our governor should do: (1)put down the Constitution and pick up Cotton Mather and the Old Testament; (2)put up hollowed-out posts on all roads leading into the state, and fill the posts with gubernatorial proclamations quoting Leviticus and informing homosexuals they'll be officially declared abominations once they cross into Nebraska.

Or better yet, (3)put the proclamation on billboards throughout the state.

And anyone who's among the embarrassed can just get the heck out. They can go to Kansas. They're teaching evolution down there again—you know, that evil theory that organisms survive by adapting to new conditions.

Retired English Professor Leon Satterfield writes to salvage clarity from his confusion. His column appears on alternate Mondays. His e-mail address is: leonsatterfield@earthlink.net.