It's time again for the annual Pinko Awards, voted on at year's end by the total membership of the American Association of Dirty Rotten Bleeding Heart Liberal Secular Humanists.
All three of us met last night in a back booth at the 44th and O St. DaVinci's to decide the 1995 winners. The four most prestigious awards were given in honor of Time's Man of the Year:
The Newt Partisan Economic Analyst of the Year is Majority Whip Tom DeLay, R-Tex, who last month called the 100-point drop in the Dow Jones "the Clinton crash." There's no record of his calling the highest-ever Dow Jones average a few weeks earlier "the Clinton boom."
The Newt Partisan Linguist of the Year is Rep. Peter King, R-NY, who argued for an English-only law by saying "a nation with more than one official language cannot function effectively," thereby writing off Switzerland and its three official languages. There was, however, no run of Republicans moving tax-free accounts from banks in Switzerland to banks in Bosniawhere 99% of the citizens speak Serbo-Croatian.
The Newt Partisan Compassion in Congress Award goes to Sen. Jesse Helms, R-NC, for his desire to cut AIDS funding because the disease is the result of "deliberate, disgusting, revolting conduct."
The Newt Partisan Arithmetician of the Year is The Newt Himself for saying New York City promotes "a culture of waste for which they expect us to send a check." The NYC mayor pointed that his city pays $9 billion more to the feds than it gets back, while Newt's Georgia gets back $1 billion more than it pays.
Other category winners:
Most Flagrant Underemployer: Mississippi preacher Billy Joe Clegg (campaign slogan: "Clegg won't pull your leg") who, upon entering the GOP presidential primary in New Hampshire, revealed that "My press agent is Jesus Christ, and he's doing a great job."
The Law is a Ass Award: To the NYC cop who in September ticketed Nancy Stein for allowing her 4-year-old grandson to pee in the bushes of Central Park because the public restroom was 10 minutes away and he had to go now.
The Keeping It All in Perspective Award (Jockstrap Division): To Jonathan Edwards, the Brit triple jumper who last summer became the first to break the 60-foot barrier. His reaction: "Sometimes I lie in bed at night and think: 'I jump into a sandpit for a living. Doctors in Rwanda are making a difference, but I jump into a sandpit.'"
Most Admirable Act by a Republican (we're showing off our bi-partisanship here): To George Bush for resigning from the National Rifle Association to protest NRA labeling of federal agents as "jackbooted government thugs."
The Truth, Mainly
Snottiest Comment by an Ex-President: To George Bush again whose only public reaction to the U.N. women's conference was to say "I feel somewhat sorry for the Chinese, having Bella Abzug running around in China."
The Yet Another Spiffy Argument Against Socialized Medicine Award: to the Florida hospital which, to prevent still more amputations of the wrong limbs, will supply operating rooms with Magic Markers for writing "NO" on body parts that are to remain intact.
The Very Vigilant Video Viewer Award: to the Arkansas woman who last month filed suit in Fayetteville against the Walt Disney folks for "sexual messages" detected in videos of "The Lion King" and "The Little Mermaid. The former, she alleges, shows a cloud of dust spelling out "S-E-X"; the latter, she alleges, depicts "an erect penis nestled among the spires" of an underwater castle. Disney spokesmen denied detecting either message, but smiled at the prospect of the firm's cash flow.
The Niftiest Proletarian Poster Award: To Knight Plumbing, 2371 O St., which displays the following sign: "The society which scorns excellence in plumbing as a humble activity and tolerates shoddiness in philosophy because it is an exalted activity will have neither good plumbing nor good philosophy. Neither its pipes nor its theories will hold water."
The We're Number One! Award: To Nebraska's freshman GOP congressman, Jon Christensen,
who made the top of list of "The Ten Dimmest Bulbs in Congress" published in the September issue of Progressive. For the gaudy details, check your library.
Having exhausted their limited supply of Pinko Awards (federal funding cutback).
Association members dined on gall and wormwoodit's an acquired tastethen went their separate ways to await the next swing of the pendulum.
Lincoln English Professor Satterfield writes
to salvage meaning from his confusion.
His column appears on alternate Mondays.