As political scandals go, Whitewater provokes disappointingly low
levels of indignation. Lots of conspiracy-impaired Americans can't
quite get a grip on what the Clintons have done wrong.
"So far," Fred Brown writes in the Denver Post, "Whitewater is all
cover-up and no apparent crime."
"Who," asks Mike Royko, "gets bug-eyed about details of a failed
real estate development on an Arkansas trout stream?"
Rob Morse of the San Francisco Examiner says that while an ABC News
poll shows 49 percent of us think Whitewater is serious business, it
ignores the more basic question of whether we know what Whitewater is.
"Nobody knows, not even the smarty-pants editors of the New Republic who
claim to have actually read the entire Clinton health plan, or the guys
who yell at each other on 'Firing Line.'"
And it doesn't help when Walter Kronkite says Whitewater coverage
is "definitely overheated," and Barry Goldwater says we should get off
Clinton's back and let him do his job.
It all sounds like the dilemma Lt. Scheisskopf faces in Catch 22.
He wants to get rid of Clevinger for having a mind and using it too
much. "The case against Clevinger was open and shut. The only thing
missing was something to charge him with."
It would be easy to say that all the Whitewater confusion results
from the opposition's failure to make a clear-cut case against the
Clintons, but a real scandal aficionadolike meknows better. The
fact is that the confusion is all a part of the Clintons' game plan.
Whitewater is a diversion designed to draw national attention away from
the far more serious scandal of this administration, Dishwatergate.
You say you haven't heard of Dishwatergate? That's because all the
media people are liberal dupes who have conspired to keep the story
quiet. But a week or so ago Michael Kilian of the Chicago Tribune
revealed the tip of the iceberg. Here's what he reported:
While the rest of us were trying to figure out what Whitewater was
all about, Hillary was having a Wednesday Night Massacre in the White
House kitchen. She fired three chefs and a dishwasher.
They just might have known too much.
The whole Dishwatergate mess might have remained just another of
the dirty little secrets of this administration had not one of the fired
chefs "lodged complaints with the Justice Department, the federal
courts, the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission, the White House
counsel, the FBI and the Secret Service."
Kilian tells us that among other charges, there are allegations
ofget the children out of the room"favoritism in White House
whipping cream purchases, nepotism and payroll padding in the Christmas
cookie-baking operation, and a conflict of interest involving the
top-chef and a glossy magazine."
Make your blood boil? Well I should say.
The Truth, Mainly
A spokesman for Hillary said the four firings were part of an
effort "to get away from the French haute cuisine served by Nancy Reagan
and Barbara Bush and to emphasize American cooking instead."
Sure. Listen to this:
The aggrieved chef says he was born in Georgia, trained in Atlanta,
and hired by Mrs. Reagan in 1988 specifically to add an American flavor
to White House eats. What does that tell you?
He just might have known too much.
We don't know just yet what all this means, but what some might
call the Scheisskopf wing of the GOP is pretty sure it adds up to
Now that the lid's off, we can expect a press release from Sen.
Alfonse D'Amato telling us that Dishwatergate is far worse than
Watergate because there's more greasy sleaze involvedand calling for
Congressional hearings to ratify his own careful finding of Hillary's
Pat Buchanan will drop dark hints about double agent plumbers in
the White House kitchen, and urge that all unshredded grocery lists be
turned over to a special counseland not to just any old Republican
lawyer like Robert Fiske, but to a real law-and-order man like, say, Ed
Rush Limbaugh will point out that exactly a week before the
firings, a second cousin of a Hot Springs, Ark., barber who once cut the
hair of a nephew of one of the fired chefs dropped dead of what a
physician who just happened to be a registered Democrat called a "heart
attack." And here's the bombshell: Then-Governor Clinton's half
brother had walked by that same barber shop only eight years before.
Just a coincidence? Maybe.
Or the dead man just might have known too much.
And through it all, Sen. Robert Dole will look grim and say that
until we determine what the President knew and when he knew it,
Republican senators will have to oppose on principle all health care
reform not approved by the insurance industry.
Talk about conspiracy. Those guys are real pros.
Satterfield is a college professor and writes as a means of discovery.